


All That I Have

by Angel110



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Drugs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-23 23:26:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4896328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel110/pseuds/Angel110
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because they knew each other from high school,  Kyuhyun thought that five years later, they were still happy with being and living together, even if it was in a small apartment.<br/>But what happens when Kyuhyun finally sees Sungmin broken? What if him being broken was something that could shake Kyuhyun's image about them? What happens when reality steps in?<br/>"You are all that I have..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That I Have

_Frantically, I rummaged through the drawers in the kitchen. With each second that passed, my panic grew more and more until it doubled, tripled even. The kitchen utensils clinked loudly as I pushed the drawers open with a firm tug and rummaged wildly through the stuff. Where did that stupid bottle opener suddenly go?_

_"Sungmin!" It resounded already angrily from the living room and I winced. Now he was angry._

_In despair, I tore open the last cabinet door, which was the only one I had not opened yet. Actually, it was just an act of desperation, because in this one were only pots. And yet... neatly placed on a pot lid there was the bottle opener._

_My eyes narrowed and I felt anger rise up in me. He had done that on purpose. He had hidden the bottle opener there, so I would take a long time and then he had a reason to insult me._

_ But I had not much time left to think, because my thoughts stopped when I heard him screaming once more. He sounded much angrier. As quick as a flash I opened the beer bottle and ran with it, through the hallway, into the living room. _

_There he sat. With legs apart he sat on the sofa, while he watched a soccer game on TV -though his eyes weren't tuned to the TV but on me- his dark, cold eyes were glaring angrily at me.  I quickly wanted to leave the beer bottle on a small table next to the sofa and take myself to safety, as he reached for the neck of the bottle, ripped it out of my hands and hit me with full force with it. The fact that at least half of the alcohol flowed on the floor, did not interest him though._

_Brusquely I ended up on the floor. My hands were holding my stinging cheek that was throbbing wildly as if it would explode any second._

_That had been the first time that he had beaten me with an object. So far he had always let only his fists speak, but now it was apparently an extent that he would apply also to more drastic measures. So far he had always taken care that I did not get any injuries to the most conspicuous places. And if he had hit me once in the face, he had locked me home until I looked back to normal. Would he perhaps soon also be so far gone... to kill me?_

_Sheer fear rose up in me. Would my life really be over soon? That was not fair. I still had not really lived, after all, I was only eleven years old. I could not hold back my tears. Ashamed, I dropped my head, so he should not notice the tears._

_"Sungmin, stop whining and rather take care that I get a new beer. There is hardly something inside! And remove the puddle from here" he grumbled, glaring at me with mischievous eyes._

_Slowly, I got to my feet and I wanted to finally leave the living room when he called me again. I stopped in the movement, but did not look at him and continued to stare at the floor._

_"You know I hate it when you do not speak with me. Do not be so quiet.", he said in a faked soft tone._

_"Yes.. I'll get you immediately a new bottle.", I replied softly and tried to walk just as he called me again. A cold shiver ran down my spine . Please do not..._

_"Have you not forgotten a tiny little thing?" He asked, looking at me with big, expecting eyes.  
I took a deep breath and swallowed. I did not want to, but I had to if I wanted to not be beaten immediately. _

_"...Appa .." I whispered softly and ran as fast as I could from it. I even heard him laughing dirty in the kitchen before I knelt down on the floor and held my hands in my face. Incessant tears were running down my cheeks and I thought several times, I would have to throw up. It disgusted me._

_He was not my father, no, that was someone I had never met and knew nothing about. This person, who was sitting in the living room, was my step- father, who had come into my life when I was six. Since then I could not live a single day longer normally. I was beaten, kicked, dragged by the hair, imprisoned and abused as a girl for everything. I alone had to look after the household. I could not even remember when the last time was that I had been in school, and yet no one was surprised about the fact that I never appeared there._

_Why no one could help me? Why was I of all people to fend for myself? Could I really have nobody by my side, who supported me, loved me and believed in me?_

_I heard someone clear his throat behind me, but before I could turn my head, I was grabbed by the hair and flung forward with my head on a kitchen counter. I felt warm blood run along my temple._

_"I told you to get me another beer and not sit around crying on the floor.", he shouted. From my blurred vision I looked at him and noticed how he approached me dangerously. He wore a broad smile on his lips._

_Oh no, no, please. I didn't want that any longer. Why could not that be all just a terrible dream? I just wanted to get away from here. Why could I not just wake up now somewhere in a cozy bed and none of this was real?_

_Why ?_

 

Panicked, I woke up and tried to figure out where I was. But around me everything was plunged into deep darkness. At first I felt a little panic rising inside me, but after a few seconds and a few deep breaths I could relax again to some extent.

I was at home. Now I was 22 years old and no longer lived with my mother and my stepfather. The oppression, the humiliation and the pain that he had caused me was still following me all the time though, but since he had died two years ago in a car accident all my terrible memories were haunting me even in my dreams.  
Just that it never seemed like a dream. Every night everything felt as if it would happen for real. I felt every emotion. every touch, every hit. And every morning I woke up I was bathed in sweat and full of fear and panic.  
Since I wanted to be taken into comforting and protective arms, I felt next to me after my boyfriend Kyuhyun. But as expected, it was cold and empty on the other side of the bed. Morning shift - as always.

I had never told Kyuhyun anything about it. He thought I had had a wonderful childhood with my real father and my real mother. I did not want to be a burden for him, so I'd keep it for myself. As I had always done. I had no one I could trust, therefore I held everything on my own shoulders. I had not the courage to entrust myself to someone.

Depressed, I groped in the dark after the tape of the blind and let some sun into the room. Blinded from the sudden light, I narrowed my eyes, being still slightly drowsy as I walked to the door and left my room . There I could finally breathe freely. Finally, there was no longer the overwhelming stench of my own sweat in the air.

With quick steps I walked through the hallway, directly to the bathroom. Purposefully, I tore open the top cabinet drawer and pulled out the razor blade of my razor. For a moment I looked at the blade, turned it in my hand and stroked gently with my index finger over the sharp side, just gentle enough for me not to accidentally cut my finger.

In this blade there were all my emotions and every time I went a step further and made a further or deeper cut, it was as if for a moment everything was forgotten. As if I was somewhere else for a moment, in another world, away from all that. Away from my past, away from the pain that could happen to me again someday. But as I said it was just a moment, a rather brief moment. Then I woke up again and again from this 'other world' and even almost regretted it to have cut me once again.   
The worst thing about this whole thing was that I was lying to Kyuhyun, that I invented excuses, I had even bought a cat to use this as an excuse. He was my partner, I was supposed to trust him about anything and yet I could not. I was ashamed. I was ashamed for the self- harming, but yet I did it again and again .

I sighed and looked again at the blade between my index finger and thumb. My eye was reflected in it. It was emotionless and glassy and bloodshot from my nightmares. Dark circles under my eyes stood out and I almost had to laugh bitterly. It would have looked almost sweet if it were not for this setting. "Kyuhyun... I'm sorry... so, so sorry... " I whispered.

Then I sat it down at an empty space of my arm and cut one long line into the smooth skin of mine. Warm blood ran down my arm and dripped on the tiles. Immediately I felt the pain and a small tear of despair escaped from my eye. I was a nothing, a nobody. For this company, I was not important. I made everyone's life even more difficult . How could Kyuhyun be with me? The only people I loved and who meant something to me, I was just a burden for them. It would not take long before he would finally open his eyes and leave me.

And another cut. I was a whining picture of misery that did not get over his past and caused only problems to all people. How would someone ever want to have me? I myself would not even like to be me.  
Just when I wanted to make the third cut, the door swung  open.  
"Sungmin, are you - "

I froze and stared at Kyuhyun in shock. The latter stared back with wide eyes. Immediately tears shot to my eyes, I could feel my whole body not only heating but also stiffening. I couldn't move my arms nor my legs for a moment and I couldn't feel them. This situation, in which I was just now, I was feeling so uncomfortable and I wanted to make everything undone or run away from everything. But I could not. My muscles were stiff, I wanted to move my feet, but they just wouldn't move.

Instead, I could only stare at Kyuhyun and wait for his reaction. I wanted to run away, but even if I would have been able to move, Kyuhyun would have held me back for sure. "I-It 's not how it looks like." Seriously Lee Sungmin? The worst and most wasted movie sentence of all time comes out of your mouth? Of course it was what it looked like! Only I did not even believe it myself. I could only stand there and wait for a response of Kyuhyun.

After an eternity, he finally opened his mouth to say something, but closed it already again a short time later without a word having left his lips.

"Kyu .. " I whispered softly, looking at him sadly. At last he began to move, came up to me and ripped my razor blade from the hand to throw it in the little trash can, which was standing next to the sink. He grabbed a towel, pulled it with a strong tug from its holder and tied it around my arm. Then he turned around and left.

Confused, I stared after him. Why did he leave without saying a word? What was he going to do? Stunned, I stumbled after him and found him in the kitchen again. He had dug in a cabinet for the first aid kit and was now holding a bandage in his hand. I immediately understood what he was doing and put the towel aside to let Kyuhyun patiently wrap the bandage around my arm. Could he be mad?

In the next second, my question had already been answered again when he gave me a slap in the face that had washed itself. "Why did you do that?" He yelled in my face. I winced and looked embarrassed at the floor. The tears were burning now even harder in my eyes as I desperately tried to hold them back. I did not dare to answer. Why did I do that? Because I was desperate? Because I thought I had nothing else to deserve than this? I felt a huge hate towards myself. Maybe I and only I myself was the reason why my stepfather had always treated me as he had done it numerous times. Maybe I just had deserved every blow - even the slap by Kyuhyun - every insult and even this self-mutilation, which I was doing to myself. Yes, maybe that was the reason and maybe it was the questions and thoughts that constantly went through my head and cast doubt on everything, even Kyuhyun 's love for me.

"I..." I started to speak but broke the sentence half way through again.

"How long have you been doing this?" Kyuhyun asked me, looking at me sadly. He did not seem angry anymore. Rather disappointed, and that was much worse.  
"For a long time..." I whispered so softly that I was not even sure if he had heard me at all.  
"How... long...", Kyuhyun put his emphasis on the 'how ', but there was no way I could tell him how long I was doing that already. I did not want to disappoint him even more than I already had done. So I said nothing then, and just stared at the floor. His look ached me, my heart clenched at the sight; I could never look him in the eyes in any case anymore without feelings of guilt.

Suddenly I winced, but it was only Kyuhyun's hand which I felt on my shoulder and I relaxed a little immediately. "Sit down. And then tell me why..." he said quietly and sympathetically. The grief and concern were still visible in his voice. Like a puppet, not the master of my movements, I sat down on the chair at our kitchen table and never turned the wonderful view off the floor and now off from the kitchen table. Shortly after that I saw how a glass of water was pushed to me, but instead of drinking it, I stared at it only. My look as it seemed had to have been empty, glassy, without any emotion, because I already felt Kyuhyun's hand on mine, while his other one lifted my chin. Nevertheless, my view was always directed downward. Tears still flowed down my cheeks and still I had this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

"Please, Minnie... I just want to know why... I only want to try and help you... I love you... I cannot just pretend as if nothing had happened and go on as before..." And again a stab into my heart and the guilt in me grew again. But I just shook my head, I couldn't talk about it. Whether I would ever be able to, I didn't know, but one thing I knew for sure. That I wouldn't be able to any time soon in the near future.

"Please, Minnie.. " Kyuhyun sounded desperate this time and I thought I could hear that he was in tears now as well. I dared to look up and immediately regretted it when I lowered my sight quickly. He actually cried. He had never cried before, certainly never in my presence and that may mean something, after nearly five years of relationship.

"I- I can’t ... I can't do that, Kyu...” I whispered in a broken voice. "Forgive me..." I heard Kyuhyun sigh heavily. His hand now rested on my cheek and he brushed with his thumb over my lips. I just wanted nothing more than his lips combined with mine. I wanted him to forget this situation, the present day and we would just carry on as before. I just wanted to be safe in his arms. But of course this was just wishful thinking that would not become true.

"Then... I give you all the time in the world. Just get some help.. please let yourself get some help. Whether professionally or by me. I just want that you don't break yourself, I do not want to enter our apartment one day and find you dead in the bathroom or anywhere else in the apartment. You still remember my promise from back then? I will follow you wherever you go, no matter where to... but I don't want both of our lives to end so early. Don't do this to me, Minnie. Don't do this to us." These words of Kyuhyun gave me the breaking point and I burst into tears again. I cried loud and hard and after a few seconds I felt Kyuhyun's arms as they wrapped themselves around me and his chin on my shoulder, so that his cheek touched mine. And now I could feel his tears, or that was what I thought, at least I felt them mix with mine.

"Shh... It will be all right. Just give me your word, Minnie... Please." Kyuhyun whispered and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Take a deep breath and calm down first, but remember that I am waiting for an answer." What had I done to deserve a man like him? Kyuhyun was the best partner you could wish for. I leaned back into his embrace and tried to relax and to stop my tears. It took time, but I eventually succeeded after half an eternity. During this time Kyuhyun had not drained one second from me and not said a word. He had simply been just there for me.

His hand stroked through my hair and with his long fingers, he wiped the tears off my cheeks. And again I felt his soft lips on my cheek. Kyuhyun was all I needed. Maybe I could really do it with his help? In no case I would get professional help! Never! For me it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. I would also do it alone or at least with the help of Kyuhyun, whose help I had not asked for but that was offered to me and I would probably accept. I mean, who would refuse something from this guy? Even I couldn't do that after so many years.

"I ... I cannot give you my promise not to do it again, but I can give you my word to give it a try." I cleared my throat to get my voice back clear. "This is enough for now, just really try it. For me, for us..." Kyuhyun whispered into my ear and helped me to get up before he led me into the bedroom. "Now let's take a small nap first and then we will talk again. This was certainly too much of a good thing for you and for me today." I could hardly believe how understanding my boyfriend was. But it felt good and was exactly what I needed right now. Together we lay down in our big bed. He held me firmly and securely in his arms and I looked into his eyes before I closed them again and took a deep breath. Now I just wanted to sleep and better forget today's events...

 

_Huddled, I was sitting in my closet in my room. Trembling, I tried to warm myself by using the few clothes I had. The trembling of mine was raised on the one hand from my sheer fear, but on the other hand also of the fact that my step-father strictly refused to turn on the heater in my room, even if there were Antarctic conditions. I quietly listened to the strong, regular beatings, which were done against my door._

_"Sungmin, you rascal, immediately open your fucking door!" My stepfather yelled from the other side of the door. Afraid, I made myself even smaller than I already was._

_A small tear of despair escaped my eye. I quickly wiped it away with my sleeve without paying any further attention to it. The hammers and roars against the door were not weaker, on the contrary, it was stronger and I was aware that he had almost made it. Soon he would stand in front of me and punish me for having stolen my room key from him._

_What had I actually been thinking? That he would leave me alone? That I was safe? That I would stay in my room for the rest of my life and would die here happily? No, I should have been aware of him just breaking my door. I should have known damn it! Why was I so stupid? So stupid, so stupid. So stupid!_

_Now I could not hold back my tears, unstoppably they flowed in streams down my cheeks. Desperately, I put my forehead on my knee._

_Suddenly, I cringed hard when I heard the door opened with a crash and the furious steps my stepfather came closer and closer with. Then I felt his big, meaty hand in my hair, and with a jerk and a pained cry of mine, he pulled me by the hair on my legs. Next, I felt a hot burning on my cheek. As so often he had given me a slap and more followed. I did not hear what he said, or rather shouted. This pain, this immense fear he would hit me one day to death was so great that I now no longer heard what he said, but only overheard word snippets. I was trapped in my own world and just let him go. Why would I even fight it? No one cared about me, my mother did not believe me and thought I was just lying, that I was just be beaten in school and that I should stand my ground, she said it over and over again. Had my life make sense at all? Maybe it was the best when my stepfather would finally beat me to death. Maybe I could finally be happy?_

_His next blow I no longer felt already and his words went into one ear and back out of the other. I was in my own world again and would feel this unbearable pain until after hours later. When I was dotted with blue and red spots, curled up and lay weeping on the floor and my stepfather again sat in the living room, drank his beer and laughed loudly about any reality show, as if nothing had happened. Lately, it happened to me many times. My stepfather beat me and - in my perception - seconds later I was lying semi-conscious on the ground and could only remember how he had started to pursue me, but not what happened to me afterwards. I knew that there were only punches, something sexual, as one heard from many other households in the same situation had never happened and never would happen, which I was sure as hell about. My stepfather was just looking for something to vent his chronic aggression and in my opinion he should register rather in a boxing club, instead of looking for a reason to abuse me as a living punching bag._

_And today it was not different. I just wanted to be alone, just for myself and had stolen the key to lock my door, he found out, occurred the door, yelled at me and beat me up and now I was once again on the floor, red and blue, and the unconsciousness close. I coughed and let my clouded gaze wander around my room. I tasted something metallic in my mouth, blood. I would give my right arm to be a normal boy with a wonderful family and friends. But this desire would never be fulfilled._

 

Once again I woke up, drenched in sweat from my sleep and even imagined to taste blood in my mouth and feel the pain of the past. I sighed and took a deep breath in and out. My gaze wandered through our bedroom, as in my dream and I still had my former children's room very good in mind . Kyuhyun was no longer beside me, he was probably already gone for work. I wish he would be next to me and would take me in his arms and simple calm me down, without asking why and would say it would be all good and he would always be there for me. Instead, I sat up and stroked through my hair before I finally got up and went to the bathroom in a trance-like state.

Somewhere I must have still something hidden without Kyuhyun knowing about it and hiding it somewhere out of my reach. Bingo! In a make-up bag that I hadn't used for ages, I found a safety pin. I had no idea what a safety pin was doing in my make-up bag, but at least it was something close to sharpness. After Kyuhyun had caught me, he had hidden all sharp objects somewhere and I had to ask him if I wanted to have anything like for example when I wanted to have a knife to peel an apple. He had explained to me that it made him only endless worry and feared to find me dead on the floor of our apartment someday.

But now back to the actual topic. A safety pin could now and then be the knight in shining armour. I had secretly hoped for no sharp objects to be found, because in my subconscious I really wanted to stop to mutilate myself, but now I was glad to have quite found something that would cause me pain. Always these mood swings. I stared at the safety pin for a moment and finally put it at a free spot on my, with scars covered forearm. I had once injured myself with a safety pin, but this had happened years ago, only one thing I could remember: It was more painful than with a razor blade by the different thickness and sharpness of both objects. I also had to use more force to produce at least a kind of interface and several times I had to pull and push it along my skin.

And so I did it the same. The pointed end of the needle left at first only a white line that faded quickly. After a few more times I was able to observe how the skin tore and slowly started to bleed. It was already very painful and the tears burned in my eyes. I just hoped that Kyuhyun didn't come home earlier from work and catch me. This pain was so relieving and a sad smile graced my lips. It was something which I alone possessed the control and no one else. It covered my emotional pain for a moment and I wish I would have been held at this moment. The pain was always over much too quickly. By now the cut was deep and the blood flowed the way down my arm. Blood was something beautiful and amazing. It had not only a beautiful colour and just looked great, as it slowly ran down my arm, it also had incredible properties. It protected our wounds by clotting, it transported oxygen through our body and kept us alive, and we could even donate it to others to save their lives.

I repeated this procedure a few times until the wound was deep enough and continued at other parts of my forearm. Kyuhyun would come in about two hours from work and I could think of an excuse and put the safety pin in a safe place in peace again. When there eventually was no more space on my forearm, I dropped my pajama pants and let it slide to the ground before I sat down on the toilet lid to keep going on my thigh. Anyway, I was not in the mood to sleep with Kyuhyun, so it would not be so bad if we were a few days without having sex until my wounds healed again.

Therefore, I wouldn't make them very deep at this point. I just was about to make a cut when my cat began to meow loudly. She was probably hungry, but she could certainly get by a few more minutes without food. I ignored so much to my luck, as I would find out later, and began to create a nice, but not too deep wound. "Sungmin. Darling, I 'm home earlier today." Kyuhyun's voice appeared and I was in a great panic. I quickly pulled my pajama bottoms back up and did not pay attention on the blood whiles doing so; I did the same with my sleeves when I rolled them down again. I threw the safety pin into my makeup bag and stuffed it in any drawer just when Kyuhyun already opened the bathroom door.

"Minnie? Are you okay, you are so pale? Shall I drive you to the doctors? " Kyuhyun came closer to me and felt my forehead. "You don't have a fever, only slightly raised temperature." I felt suddenly so hot and I swallowed nervously. I felt dizzy, but I ignored it and stared at Kyuhyun still wide-eyed, as I shook my head in answer to his last question . "I- I 'm okay, I do not need a doctor." I stammered in front of him and then I saw Kyuhyun's eyes wander down my body and my eyes widened as his also did. "S- Sungmin .. " He whispered incredulously as if he had seen a ghost.

"How could you...” I did not need to look down on me to see my blood-soaked pajamas, and to know what he meant. I knew it without him already. "I- I .. It.. I'm sorry .. " I immediately burst into tears and was already waiting for the worst. Kyuhyun would leave me and I’d be all alone, only my cat and me. Alone in this apartment or he would throw me out or put me in a clinic. But none of that happened. I wobbled a little as I was dizzy and the next thing I felt was Kyuyhyun's arms as they wrapped around my body and held me securely.

No words were exchanged and the only thing that could be heard in the apartment was the meowing of my cat, mixed with my sobs, as Kyuhyun took me into the kitchen and then disappeared for a moment. I could feel he was disappointed and immediately more tears shot into my eyes and the feelings of guilt that had approached me grew. My body tensed and I felt like I wanted to vomit, but nothing happened. Next, I felt a sharp pain in my forearm. Kyuhyun came back and cleaned my wounds before he bandaged my forearm.

"Take off your pants.” He whispered the disappointment in his voice more than obvious. I bit my lower lip and did what he asked for. Even this small wound he cleaned carefully and drew a pained hiss from me. Then he stuck a plaster on the wound and stood up. I expected that he left me now, but he just sat down on the opposite chair. "You can put them on again.” He whispered before he buried his head in his hands. Then there was silence. A very long, uncomfortable silence which was almost like torture to me.

After a while I heard a deep sigh of Kyuhyun and I could hardly believe what came next: "Sungmin-ah. Honey... There is something you don't know about me, what no one in my family knows about me, except my parents and sister and what I want to make disappear the most, because it has brought a lot of problems, cost me most of my life and would have kept me almost from talking to you then, and eventually starting a relationship with you..." He took a deep breath before he spoke again. "I was a drug addict. “He whispered, probably in the belief I hadn't heard, but I heard it clearly and it echoed in my head again and again. My eyes widened to the size of a plate when I looked up to him and stared at him in disbelief.

"I am clean, don't worry, I was in withdrawal when I got to know you, and I feared to approach you. I was afraid I would backslide, drag you with me into it or somehow hurt you. I didn't want that, so I have always observed you quietly only exchanged words with you when it was necessary. You were ultimately the reason why I have persevered and made this withdrawal. I wanted to talk to you so bad, do something with you that I threw myself into it. Thanks to you I got away from the drugs. If you hadn't attracted my attention back then, I would have set the golden shot and we never would, not even sometime have come across later. My family had turned their backs towards me.

I had the wrong friends and thus slipped into the drug scene. Instead of getting help from my parents I was on my own. But then my little sister had clung to my leg, her cheeks overflowed with tears and told me how sad she was and that she wanted her old Kyu bear back. She has roused me and I eventually started the withdrawal. No one had believed in me, only my little sister. I wanted to give up, but then you came into my life and everything changed. When I introduced you to my parents for the first time, they were very nice and polite and that was only because I told them you have been the reason that I was still alive and had gone through all this.

They haven't been that happy when I told them that I was gay. My sister first thought you were a girl and I had to explain to her awkwardly that you weren't a girl, but I still had a relationship with you, almost the same way as our parents did. She had not really understood yet has always spoken of you as the 'pretty unnie '. " Kyuhyun laughed slightly in tears and I could feel how hard it was for him to tell me all this. To be honest, I was shocked and didn't really know how I should respond to him now. I opened my mouth and closed it again immediately. Kyuhyun saw this and smiled at me through his tears.

"You don't need to say anything about it. The only reason I told you all that is that as long as you really want something and people are worth fighting for, you can do anything you set yourself in the head. To stop as well." He put his finger gently on my bandaged arm and looked into my eyes. Meanwhile hot tears ran down my cheeks and I couldn't help but break into sobs and embrace him as tight as I could. "K- Kyuhyun."

 

"You are all that I have... that I need and that I never want to give up or lose." Kyuhyun whispered softly into my ear and kissed my temple gently.

 

**A few months later**

It was late evening and I was still trying to finish the food. In a few days I would begin the first day in my new job and no longer be able to spend so much time in the kitchen, but it was worth it to me. And then it already rang at the door, as I just turned off the stove. Perfect timing! I quickly wiped my hands on a dish towel again and then made my way to the door. With a broad smile I opened it and jumped an exhausted Kyuhyun literally at the neck. "Perfect timing , Kyu . Food is almost done. How was your day?" Kyuhyun laughed softly and kissed my lips, probably to silence me. "Just like every other day, Minnie. How was yours?" He pushed me into the apartment gently and put his bag down in the aisle. Then he lifted me surprisingly into his arms.

Almost a rather unmanly squeak would have slipped over my lips, but I could hold it back at the last moment. "Also, as always."  I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. I was so glad I had him. Without him, I would probably not be here today, and vice versa. We had been probably meant to be together. I had literally to owe him my life. It had been a great shock when Kyuhyun had told me about his secret and probably comparable to the shock he had when he caught me for the first time. I was so glad that he had completely reacted and acted contrary to my expectations and was gentle to me. He really loved me with all his heart and I loved him with all my heart as well, he was my everything.

We couldn't be any happier. We had each other and that was all we needed. I had realized that life was worth living it; if you had a person you loved more than anything and who replied that love. In my case this person was Kyuhyun and I had taken quite a while to understand that. We had talked about it for many more days and I had finally told Kyuhyun the story of my childhood with my stepfather. Of course, he couldn't believe it, but I told him it was not so bad, the only thing I needed to live a happy life now was him. He could even persuade me to go to a therapist with him to accompany me every time. I had initially consented reluctantly, but after a few meetings Dr. Kim and I were thawed or rather, I had thawed and was now able to better talk about what sighed heavily on my mind.

It did me well to talk, especially with a neutral, outside party that had nothing to do with my life. In parts, it was also very interesting and I toyed with the idea to study psychology myself and help other people. I had the necessary graduation, but I first had to get my life back on track before I would expect something emotional like that of me. Kyuhyun had said he would support me in all my decisions and for that I was grateful to him. He was perfect and I never wanted to give him back, let alone doubt his love for me. I was much more cheerful and relaxed and went out more. I had made new friends and often asked myself how I could have missed so much fun. I had missed so much in the last few years, which made me wonder how I could catch up on my lost youth again.

Kyuhyun sat down on the kitchen table and smiled at me before he gave me another kiss. "That's nice to hear. Hmmm, it smells so good here. I can't wait until we start eating." Then it suddenly rang at the door. We both looked at one another confused, we expected actually no guests. "I will get it." Kyuhyun said, without even waiting for me to protest and was already gone. After a few minutes I began to wonder and heard Kyuhyun's laugh. I raised an eyebrow and wanted to see what was going on; Kyuhyun already came back with someone accompanying him. I immediately jumped up and ran with a huge grin to that person and hugged him tightly.

"Leeteuk, I thought you were in the military?" I had met Leeteuk at one of my therapy meetings and we had hit it off immediately. Kyuhyun had to make me talk to him. He had noticed my constant attention and almost pushed me to him and said I should now make my first friend at last. It had been a rather nasty moment, but I finally asked him if we could drink a cup of coffee, of course with Kyuhyun. He had agreed and my first impression of him had not disappointed me. He was really a lovable person. After we had met a few months and talked about general things that we had finally declared our willingness to open ourselves to each other and to reveal the reason for our therapy sessions. Leeteuk had had, as well as me, a difficult childhood and I think that welded us together even more. When we eventually were almost best friends, he told me that his entry into the military was approaching and I was very sad. His entrance was now just a month back and I wondered what he was doing here.

"I have a few days off before I get used properly." He grinned at me and hugged me back just as tightly. "I see I am here just in time to eat" I laughed softly and nodded. "Yes, I have had enough cooked, so you're welcome, right Kyu?" Kyuhyun nodded with a smile and set the table. Meanwhile, I began to bombard Leeteuk with questions and Kyuhyun laughed every now and then and tried to get me quiet, saying I should let poor Leeteuk sit down and we should eat first and the questions can be put ‘til later. After that there would be plenty of time for questions. A little pouting I followed his instructions and prepared the food while now Kyuhyun was talking with Leeteuk.

So in my life everything had changed for the better, I had a wonderful partner by my side and a great friend. More fortune was only waiting in heavens.


End file.
